Ever since the Karnataka election results came out on 15 May, JD(S) and HD Kumaraswamy have found their lost lust, I mean love, for power, I mean Congress. The same people who left no stone unturned to ‘expose’ the incumbent Congress government’s failures, suddenly started lauding the Congress as the saviour of Karnataka with stone faces. But this was not a one-sided affair. A 78-seat winner Congress was elated to declare a young boy the father of an old man.
The voter, who bestowed BJP with 104 seats, was taken for a ride when the second runner-up was awarded the winner’s trophy jointly with the first runner-up, while the winner was unceremoniously removed from the podium. The people were still wondering whether the new dispensation would continue with the mess Karnataka was in, or whether the progress would be like Bengaluru traffic.
Amidst this mayhem, our team has got hold of the secret Common Minimum Program (CMP) that was being drafted by the two parties — where else, but at their hideout inside a resort. While both the parties have categorically denied that the draft leaked is genuine, residents of Karnataka are vouching for the authenticity of the CMP, looking at the past records of both the parties. Here are few salient features of the CMP:
Portfolios for the ministers will be allocated based on a Corruptibility Index. This index takes into account factors like the past criminal record of the MLA, domain of fraud experience and quantum and scale of earlier scams. DK Sivakumar is said to be the frontrunner for the mining ministry due to the history of illegal mining case against him. Prakash Raj is also rumoured to be roped-in for Information & Broadcasting portfolio for his “Kuchh Bhi” skills and absurd logic.
Looking at the condition of lakes in Bengaluru, foaming and burning due to pollution and the size of potholes on the roads, the coalition has decided to develop a few potholes in areas like Marathahalli and Wilson Garden as lakes. These can later be developed as tourists spots as residents of Bengaluru spend 4-5 hours daily in the traffic anyway, thanks to the infrastructural breakdown the last government has left the city with.
Looking at the State-sponsored protests that rocked Bengaluru during the agitation for the Cauvery waters, a master plan will be created to project Karnataka as the protest hub of the world. While the conditions last government created were counterproductive for making Bengaluru the IT-hub of Asia, the situation is perfect for the city being the training centre for protesters from all around the world. Facility of a live demo in disrupting public life, arsoning and damaging public property will be given in full police protection and administrative connivance.
Gross Corruption Product (GCP)
After GDP, this is the new factor Karnataka’s new government has aspired to climb. A second-time MLA not willing to be identified said, “Though we tried hard under the able leadership of Siddharamaiyya ji, we faced stiff competition from States like Uttar Pradesh, with the Samajwadi Party, and Maharashtra, with our own Congress in the ranks. With the ouster of these governments, we have virtually no competition as the Congress is not in power in any of the bigger States of the country anymore. We are sure to reach the pinnacle this time around.” He signed off with a “C” sign instead of the regular “V” used for victory.
As one of the coalition parties is the inventor of Indian (pseudo-) secularism, and the other has it in the name itself, this is the common thread. The official reason for forming this coalition is also stated as “Fighting the communal forces and saving the secular fabric of Karnataka”. On this basis, the CMP has a plan cut out, which includes a provision of a separate religion for any Hindu group and targeting and banning ancient Hindu rituals like elephant parade in temple premises. A special provision is given for the coastal region where murderers in the ongoing killings of Hindu activists by criminal organisations like PFI will get special immunity and protection from the law.
Keeping with the spirit of their Common Minimum Program, they invited all the flagbearers of the categories above in the oath-taking ceremony. However, none of the MLAs or office-bearers of the parties was willing to confirm which of the invitees represented which of the virtues — corruption, protests and psuedo-secularism — although the names of Sharad Pawar, Arvind Kejriwal and Mayawati were doing the rounds.